Long time, no post.

It appears I haven’t blogged in months; I’ve funneled all of my writing into a huge paper for my MFA. But since I’m feeling all sorts of weird today, I decided it was a good time to get back into it. Apologies now for what will, most likely, be a very disjointed, total bummer of a post.

I feel restless today: a feeling that’s become commonplace since starting my MFA. Before, I was content with my job. It paid the bills and let me exercise my French. Hell, it got me out of bed five times a week while I slogged through the grief of losing my father. I’m grateful for that. But now that I’ve rediscovered my vocation in life, the waiting is wearing me down.

There’s nowhere to go and nothing to do in this moment. I need this job for the vacation time, or I can’t finish my degree. Even if I could leave, what would I do? I think I’ve been a starving artist in all of my past lives; it seems carved in my bones that I should only be drawn to endeavors that make me zero or negative dollars. Why can’t I have a passion for screwing people out of their money? Or cutting people open and sewing them back up? Why is my fire lit by solitary work that has no value in this culture unless it’s bastardized into Hollywood drivel?

I have no good answer. I guess no writer does. Maybe that’s why so many of us stick our heads in ovens or wade into a river with stones in our pockets. I don’t think what I want is difficult or complicated; I just want to live, doing what I love. I guess a lot of people live their whole lives without being that lucky. Here’s hoping I’m not one of them.

One thought on “Long time, no post.

  1. You won’t be one of them because you’ve already figured out at a young age what your passion actually is! Most people don’t ever get to that place. I know where you are coming from for sure. I’m very lucky that I’m at a place where I am valued and I don’ tmind the work (even if it isn’t what I want for my career). Before I was here I worked at two soul sucking places. One that I was lucky enough to meet Ryan, that’s what I’m taking from the experience, but the other was just years and years of soul crushing and it was not fun. You are destined to make loads of money, I just know it! JUst keep persevering and keep remembering what your actual WORTH (not necessary self worth, I’m actualy talking skills-vs-output) actually is. Look at your writing group! Keep working on goals like that and I know for sure you’ll eventually end up in the right hands and be a super millionaire. You got this little step sis. FOR SHIZZLE!!!! (p.s. I’m not that good at taking my own advice either, but I try!!!)

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