I’ve got about six pages done for this month’s submission: only 19-24 pages to go before the end of January. I didn’t write all weekend and feel like a failure, but I plan on getting a big chunk done Wednesday night while Nicole is at work.
There’s something quite scary to me about working on such a big thing. I think that—compounded by the fact that I’ve never had any sort of writing routine—is why I avoided it all weekend when I had so much time on my hands. I mean, I washed dishes and cleaned the apartment instead of writing. You know there’s something going on.
I was scared that it, my story, would swallow me up and not let go of me. I was scared that I would hit a wall and not have anything left to say. I was scared that I would get all the way to the end and realize it was shit and have to start over. So I just didn’t start at all. I need to stop being so afraid, but when you’re a “big picture” person, the details can be kind of terrifying. I mean: where is this story going? What’s the climax going to be? Should it be darker? How will I end it? I’m sure these are normal questions that I don’t need to answer any time soon, but they’re driving me bananas.
The six pages I do have are pretty solid. I showed the first two to a friend of mine who also lived in the little French city where my story takes place, and she said she could see everything clearly. I hope it’s the same for people who haven’t lived there.
On top of the novel, I also want to get one of my short stories to a place where I can try to submit it, or at least bring it in July for the workshop and then re-work it and try submission afterwards. So I have ideas for that kicking around in my head alongside the novely stuff. There’s also a piece of me that’s not entirely convinced that my short story shouldn’t be part of my novel, but I don’t know if I can pull of something so dark. Oh, yeah, and then there’s the craft essay to do.
So that’s where I’m at. Pardon my neuroticism. Hopefully my inaction will make you all feel much more accomplished in your progress this month 🙂